Yesterday was mine and Kira's annual Christmas shopping kick-off in Park City. Of course, it was TONS of fun, but I didn't have much luck with Christmas presents. I mostly ended up getting things for myself (oopsies). We're considering changing the location of this event. Stupid Tanger Outlets keeps getting rid of our favorite stores! First it was the paper store, last year was the book store, and this year the toy store was gone! What the heck?

When I got home I found that Jeremy had been quite the busy daddy while I was gone. It was funny, he was practically beaming with pride at how well he had done with the children (can you tell he gets yelled at a lot when he does things wrong?). First they all pitched in to tidy the downstairs family room. They got rid of the broken air hockey table, and he said they weren't even sad about it because he let them all help use the drill to get it taken apart. After that they played for awhile, then he drove them to this cool-looking skate park in Layton that they've been begging to go to for months (turns out it's not as great as it looked - a little too dangerous). They also took the tennis rackets and baseball equipment. Then they went to Sam's Club and got dinner (why is this such a novelty to my kids? And my husband, for that matter?). When I got home at 10:00 they were all playing together in the basement.

My dad sold his house and I spent several evenings last week helping clear it out. It was extremely hard going through all of my mom and Ryan's things, deciding what to keep and what to part with. We had to re-live a lot of painful memories. Obviously, looking at photos is the hardest thing. Ryan was so handsome and full of life. I wish I had been a better sister to him. I feel like I either neglected him or fought with him. We had a huge blow-out fight shortly before he died, and I hate that that is my most prevalent memory of our last months together. I was so mean to him. Not being able to talk to him, it is so hard to let go of that guilt and pain. I know he has forgiven me, but I don't know how to forgive myself. One of my favorite pictures that I found of him was him and his beautiful girlfriend Courteney on their way to a dance. I had seen a lot of his other dance photos, but what stood out about Courteney (aside from the fact that I love her to pieces) was that her's was the only modest dress I had seen. It just reminded me of the kind of person Ryan was, and the type of people that he held most dear.

As heartbreaking as it is to know I will no longer be able to go to my mom's house, I will be glad when it's over and I can start to try and heal, again. The worst thing is how out of control I've been eating. You know, trying to fill the empty hole that can't ever be filled. Boooo. I had been doing so good.